As we’ve been working through attachment therapy I often ask the therapist “how”. How do I know when they need more challenge or more structure? How do I know when they need security or autonomy?
“How do I know?”
Her response, more often than not, is this:
“Watch the body language.”
It was a new situation and the mother held her son tightly. He was nervous, unsure of what was to come and so she rocked him in that hospital chair.
“Here,” a nurse said, “let’s put on some cartoons.”
Rock, rock, rock went the chair as the mom comforted her son who was now glued to the television.
His little legs tightened ever so slightly. He held her tighter.
Questions about the cartoon poured out of him. “What’s he doing? Where’s he going? What’s going to happen?”
Watch the body language, thought his mother.
“Maybe we should turn this off”, she suggested.
“No! I like it!”
But he just couldn’t get comfortable. He shifted. At least when the cartoon was off he was still.
Watch the body language.
I know I can calm him better than this TV can.
“We’re going to turn it off. You need mom to talk to you right now.”
He protested. Yelled even, but minutes later he was much calmer. She soothed him, rocked him, held him, and they talked. Muscles loosened; body calmed, shifting stopped.
Watch the body language.
Success.
She was playing ball with her friends. The white and black sphere turning gray as it sped across the front yard. She’d grown up with these girls and soccer had always been her love. They laughed and kicked –frequently sending the ball between the bush and the side of the house – their makeshift goal. No one took these games too seriously; it was just to blow off steam after school. But her mom saw her go down. Saw the pain cross her face and saw her daughter turn to look for her.
Watch the body language.
Ending the phone call, her mother headed across the yard. Shouts of “You’re fine! Brush it off!” came from her friends. Wincing from pain she said, “Mom, it’s okay. I’ll be fine”, as if to halt her mother’s coming.
Watch the body language.
But her mother’s voice was calm and sure, “I’m sure you will be. You’re very strong, but I’m going to see what I can do to help.”
A silent nod from her daughter, then a slow exhale of breath. Her daughter’s reassurance visible. She’d needed that, even when she thought she didn’t. Even when her friends were watching.
Watch the body language.
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