When it comes to the day-in and day-out aspects of parenting my foster children, I find that much of what I do is actually addressing their social and emotional development.
Spacing out and shutting down
Social and emotional development
Melt downs
Social and emotional development
Aggression
Social and emotional development
Being overwhelmed with life
Social and emotional development
Communicating what actually happened and how they felt about it
Social and emotional development
And, to be honest, this is a part of life I’m not very good at myself. As a natural introvert and INTJ personality, I pretty much suck at it.
But it’s what my kiddos need.
And so I do what I need to in order to meet those needs.
I get help.
And guess what?
Seeking out help? That’s a very emotionally intelligent thing to do. :0)
What I did about it
The absolute best decision we made in regards to this was to begin attachment therapy with our kiddos. I wrote an entire series on it here. This has helped us make incredible ground in overcoming their past trauma, establishing trust, and learning new ways to interact with our children.
But, recently, I’ve been seeing layers. Layers in the way my children are handling emotions. It’s as if they are learning a skill that is age appropriate while also dealing with the need to express emotions on a much younger level. It’s perplexing, and helping them work through multiple stages simultaneously is quite challenging.
So, I went on the hunt for more information and I found this. It’s an amazing resource similar to the book Yardsticks that I love. While Yardsticks focuses on what we can practically expect kids to do in an academic setting, this site focuses on how parents can actively support their child’s development. Both Yardsticks and the Parent Tool Kit break down the developmental stages by age. This makes it easy to identify what skills we should be seeing in children at each stage. The one drawback to the Parent Took Kit is a very busy design and takes a little filtering to find the social and emotional benchmarks.
Since I have foster children that exhibit layers of social and emotional skills – some age appropriate and some not – the Parent Tool Kit has been incredibly useful. It has helped me pin down exactly where my children fall with each skill and suggested ways I can be assisting them as they move on to the next developmental level. In a way, I’m hoping to “catch them up” on the skills that are lagging behind while continuing to support the age appropriate ones they already display. I realize that these things can’t be rushed, and that my kiddos needs to process through at their own pace, but, I can be intentional in supporting that development. And, in so doing, I can help them move through the stages more effectively. It’s a process I used extensively as a Special Educator. It’s academically very effective but I’m just now learning to apply it to my foster children’s social and emotional well-being.
Using the Parent Tool Kit to Help Your Child
You can access the social and emotional growth charts directly by using this link. Once there, you will see topics such as self-awareness and self-management. Choose your child’s grade level and either click on or filter for “benchmarks” to see what behaviors can be expected in these areas. You will most likely find skills that your child currently exhibit and those she has yet to master. When you find an area she isn’t proficient in, I highly suggest you look at the younger grade benchmarks until you find the skill your child HAS mastered. This is critical in understanding how to best help her.
For example, if you have a 6th grader that isn’t able to predict future emotions based on current choices (and to change those current choices to have a more positive emotional outcome in the future), drop down to the 5th grade growth chart. At 5th grade children might not be able to predict future emotions, but they should be able to recognize current emotions and be able to change their behavior in the moment. If your 6th grade child is still struggling with this 5th grade expectation, continue to go back farther until you find the skill she excels at. Then, build on that.
If your child is functioning two or more levels behind, you won’t be able to “jump ahead”. Social and Emotional development continues in stages that must be worked through in order to get to the next. Children will spend different amounts of time in different stages – working through them at their own pace. But, if you know where they are currently, you can support their move to the next stage by focusing attention on that skill. So, if your 6th grader is functioning at a 4th grade level, it won’t be beneficial to try to get her to mature faster by working on 6th grade level skills. The way you help her “catch up” is to draw her attention to the next stage of development – in this instance, the 5th grade level skills. It is your active leadership that will help her move onto the next stage quicker than if she had no guidance. But remember, it is still up to her to work through each stage. Your job is to draw her attention to the next skill and support her as she does the actual work of moving forward.
Taking this information to school
As a special educator, there is, what we call, a zone of proximal development. It is “the difference between what a learner can do without help and what he or she can do with help.” So, your 6th grader functioning at a 4th grade level is currently able to function at that 4th grade level without help. However, with your help she can most likely learn the 5th grade social and emotional skill set. The 5th grade social and emotional skill set is within her zone of proximal development. However, the 6th grade skills, might be out of reach even with your help. In this case, the 6th grade skills would be outside of her zone of proximal development. That’s why it’s critical to get a good understanding of what your foster child is currently capable of so that you can support her growth without frustrating either of you.
Helping Teachers Implement Positive Changes
When speaking with your foster child’s teacher about her social needs at school, understanding the zone of proximal development should give your input considerable weight. Communicating her delayed emotional stages and pinpointing her zone of proximal development will help establish a positive understanding of her at school. But, you’ll also need an understanding of what it actually looks like to meet those needs on a day-to-day basis. This is where Yardsticks is invaluable. It is much simpler to use than the Parent Took Kit, but you’ll have to overlook the highly dated front cover :0).
Yardsticks is a well-respected educational resource. I used it as a teacher and many teachers have at least heard of it. It provides a picture of how each social and emotional stage plays out in a classroom. So, if you have that 6th grader we’ve been talking about, you already know that what she needs in a classroom will be different than what her peers need. You can use Yardsticks to demonstrate that difference. For example, Yardsticks explains that most 6th graders are concerned about “saving face” (pg 139). A practical example of this in the classroom would be a teacher giving students more independence in their work, and talking to them about misunderstandings in a private setting. However, if your foster daughter is still emotionally a 4th grader, she probably worries more than her peers and desires more teacher involvement, not less (Yardsticks pg 113). This means that a 6th grade teacher’s typical response to give your daughter space to work things out on her own might not help her. She probably needs more direct teacher interaction. And, if she isn’t yet concerned about saving face like her peers are, then the additional teacher support can be freely given.
3 Steps to Speaking with Your Foster Child’s Teacher
- Explain that your child’s social and emotional development is younger than her age
- Clearly communicate what your child’s zone of proximal development is when it comes to her emotional skills
- Provide practical suggestions from Yardsticks to address her current emotional needs
Free Attachment Resource
Fostering a secure relationship with your kiddos is oh, so important! Here are 4 elements of a secure attachment and activities to establish it with your children. Put your email address here and “click” so I can send it to you.
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