So, you’ve heard it before, on the news, Facebook, or conversations with friends.
It seems bad, or, at least, it should seem bad. The numbers are enormous; it’s talked about with such urgency and you can’t deny it’s a problem. And yet… it’s just not convincing.
You glance at the image again and the phrases run through your mind.
“There’s such a need for foster parents.”
“Our county is in a crisis.”
“Children are being placed 4 hours away because there aren’t enough foster homes to take them.”
So why doesn’t it feel real? Urgent? As desperate as they make it out to be?
You’re sure they’re not lying about this…and yet, if it’s really that bad, where are all the kids?
Why don’t you see them? Know about them?
What’s up with that?
Your question is valid and needed. This might help.
Do you pay attention to the news? Not the big national stuff, but the local news? You know, the store that opened downtown, the food drive happening at the elementary school, the local arrests for drugs or domestic violence?
That news? Well, that is where the need for foster parents is hiding. It’s not broadcast or announced, it can’t be, but if you ask yourself one simple question you’ll start to see it.
What if there were kids involved?
The arrest for domestic violence.
What if there were kids involved?
The shooting at the 7-11.
What if there were kids involved?
The home raided for drugs.
What if there were kids involved?
The media won’t tell you about it, but
Current Foster mamas
If you’re struggling with supporting your child’s emotional needs and/or self-care The Parenting Super Bundle has some incredible resources to address this. I’ve been using the courses by child therapists Melissa Benaroya and Natasha Daniels and highly recommend them (if you know me, you know how picky I am). To see more on what I’m learning from these therapists and their courses click here.
Considering Fostering?
There aren’t as many resources in the Parenting Super Bundle for you but there are some and they are really good. I would especially recommend A Framework of Self-Care for Adoptive and Foster Families that is included in the bundle. It is written by a foster mom and has A LOT of ways you can make your transition into foster care that much smoother.
many times, there are.
There are kids involved.
But the kids are innocent.
And that’s why the media isn’t covering it.
It’s a privacy issue. It isn’t their fault their parents were selling drugs. It isn’t their fault the grownups in their lives tried to solve problems by beating each other up. It isn’t their fault that someone got shot.
It isn’t their fault.
And so the kids are protected. The media doesn’t tell you there were children removed from the home. It doesn’t show the social workers hastily carrying the kids’ clothes out in garbage bags. It doesn’t follow the screaming child to the social worker’s car as he is taken from the only family he’s ever known or loved. It doesn’t announce the surprise visit to the school where the innocent student learns she can’t go home but is instead being escorted to some family she’s never met.
And so the need for foster care hides in plain sight. You don’t hear about it until you become a foster parent. And then you get calls about thirteen children in the course of two weeks. You start to see the situations on the news and realize it’s connected to the child in your home.
The arrest for domestic violence on last night’s news?
There were kids involved.
The shooting at the 7-11 someone posted on Facebook?
There were kids involved.
The home raided for drugs?
There were kids involved.
Those massive, humongo foster care numbers that people always talk about start to pare down to the young people placed with you. They become lives, individuals, in your own community, in your own home.
And you start to realize that this is not some distant problem, it is here. It is now. And you can’t stand the idea of kids spending the night in a social worker’s office because there is nowhere for them to go.
This is the need.
Your own local news means a child near you is in need of a foster home. So what can you do about it?
Maybe it’s not much. Maybe right now, all you can do is share this post and pray.
That’s okay.
DO NOT FEEL BAD ABOUT THAT. You know what is good for you and your situation.
But if you’ve been asking where all the children are, it tells me you care. And now you get it. You realize the reality of your very own community. So, if you are able to do something, here are some suggestions.
- Share this post so others are aware too.
- Find out who in your life is already fostering. You might be surprised, since this is something foster parents don’t often post about. Put the question out there on your social media networks, then, let your friends know you want to support them the next time a child enters their home.
- Bring your friend a meal or two the next time a kiddo arrives (and paper plates!). Don’t ask if she needs this, SHE NEEDS IT! Just bring it. Ask her when they eat dinner, what they eat, and then tell her you’ll bring the requested item 30 minutes before dinner on a specific date. THIS IS HUGE.
- If you can’t do the above, call a local restaurant that provides delivery service and order a meal to arrive at your friends’ place 30 minutes before their normal dinner time. They WILL THANK YOU.
- Pick up your friend’s laundry, wash, fold and return it to her.
- Run to the grocery store for her.
- Babysit her other children so she can take the foster child to all the first week medical appointments required.
- Get a list of all the things the child didn’t come with and run to the store for those items.
- Attend classes at your local DCS to find out what this foster care thing is all about.
- Get licensed for “respite” (which really just means caring for a foster child for a week or less).
- ASK! Continue to ask foster parents what you can do to support them. The needs of their children change frequently. Many times, those needs are not something you can help with, but continuing to ask is encouragement in itself. Plus, the more you ask, the more they trust that you really do want to help. And the more willing they will be to call you when they DO have a need you can help with.
You’ll also like:
Free Attachment Resource:
Fostering a secure relationship with your kiddos is oh, so important! Here are 4 elements of a secure attachment and activities to establish it with your children. Put your email address here and “click” so I can send it to you.
(Note: I created the image using Pic Monkey’s photo editing website. Check them out here. This post may also contain affiliate links. For more information, read my Disclosure Policy here.)
And for those who can’t be foster parents, there is also a great need for CASAs (court appointed special advocates) in many communities. These are volunteers whose job it is to speak out for what the child wants in court.
Thanks Sarah! Yes, each child should have their voice heard in court no matter their age. CASAs are invaluable.
If you are in NJ dealing with DYFS I pity you. However, a CASA stepped in and changed a year of living in Hell to a very happy time. It was also a year of Hell for the child, but DYFS did not care. One social worker, who does not care about the child or the foster parents can ruin many lives.
In some locations they call them a ‘Guardian ad litem’. Just so all are aware if they hear this term as well.
The guardian ad litem is an actual court appointed lawyer to represent the childs needs…. CASA is a volunteer worker / special advocate
The ‘Guardian ad litem’ is a Lawyer assigned to the case and is there to represent the best interests of the child. He/she gets paid for their service by the city, county, or state. The CASA worker is a volunteer, through DCS, that has been vetted, gone through some special classes, and is speak for the child wants. Sometimes the ‘Guardian ad litem’ has so many children to speak for, or they don’t care, that the CASA worker is so important in speaking for what the child wants and needs. (At least this is the way it is in Tennessee)
A guardian ad litem and a CASA worker are two totally different things. At least here where I live they are. I have dealt with both. After fostering my son for three years, I am so blessed to say that our adoption was finalized May 2016! ❤️❤️❤️
Sarah, how would one go about becoming a CASA?
Search for your local DCS online and give them a call. They can put you in touch with those overseeing the CASA program.
Yes! The kiddos I’m caring for (my niece and nephews) have a CASA and she is a Godsend – truly. It’s not until you’re “in the system” that you see the uphill battle the kids have to fight. The more trusted adults they have in their lives to help them, the better!
I’d love to know more about this
Search for your local DCS online and give them a call! 🙂
I am signed up for this training in my County. I agree, every child needs an advocate while going through this very traumatic time. Someone they can trust makes all the difference.
How can I find out more about this?
Look online for your local DCS and give them a call!
I didn’t know this, I’m going to look into that
In NYS, every child involved in a neglect or abuse case whether or not they are placed in foster case by law must be represented by an Attorney for the Child who speaks for the child in court. Not every county uses CASAs and when they do they do NOT speak for the child in court. Instead, they act as a reporter to the court on paper only. They attend court proceedings and meetings and advocate for children in schools, but they are not allowed to speak to the children or parents without permission from their attorneys. They are also not “guardian ad litems” in NYS which is a legal appointment that requires specific training and certification. In other states where attorneys are not appointed for these children CASA organizations do take on a more active role.
What is sad is the fact there ARE a lot of families wanting to open their home, but reality is it’s taking way too long to certify these families.. especially with lack of PRIDE classes not being held as often as it’s needed, or the process takes so long families give up trying…taking 90 days to certify a family can become reality if the program that is so broken gets fixed! We’ve started this process in November and so far all news we received was that our backgrounds came back.. it’s taking way to long for something needed so desperately!
Yes, with the overwhelmed system it can take a long time. 90 days is about average from the families I’ve talked to in our area.
As a foster parent, I am glad that it takes at least 90 days. Some decisions should not be rushed. There have been several things I have been involved with that take a long time for the sake of taking a long time to make sure people are committed. It took close to 90 days to fully comprehend what we were getting into, and then we still had no idea. We were told everything we would face accurately, but living it is different.
It’s one class a week for 9 weeks.
They take that time to make sure that you are fully mentally prepared and involved. I wanted desperately to be a foster parent, and with our first placement found out I was NOT going to continue fostering. All that time effort and expense was wasted on us. All because of how ridiculous and broken the system is…. no matter how hard they bend, dss workers can’t overcome the bizarre barriers… it’s an incredibly difficult situation to work within. People can’t just take it lightly.
Right. Sad and tragic. Same experience.
The agencies need to focus on educating foster parents on trauma in the children!!!! We had no training on what to expect. We adopted two amazing boys. One has had so much hurt, at 15 months. How can a child be so traumatized at such a young age? Because what they go through with neglect, no food, watching violence changes their brain! He’s 11 now and has been working with a specialized therapist for years.
Yes!! Totally agree! In my state they are called GOD classes but it took us over 6 months from start to finish when we did our homestudy.
*or you do all this, become a foster parent, get a set of twins placed with you. Absolutely cannot cannot bond with one…. despite multiple desperate pleas to either replace the one with another sibling or terminate care….. you are told “just love on them” when you have tried and tried…. but each day gets worse. Your physical and mental health suffer, your marriage, your business, even your pets suffer…..
And no one will help in a helpful way. “Just love on them”….
They forever lost a foster family with those 4 words.
Yes, us foster families NEED SUPPORT too. I’m sorry you didn’t get that. 🙁
We have an incredibly supportive agency and that makes all the difference. We have been through extensive counseling ourselves to deal with helping these children in their situations.
It is incredibly tough on a marriage and your Bio-Kids. With much prayer and encouragement, we have had our marriage and relationship with our bio-kids strengthened.
Much about fostering is not pretty, but whatever difficulty we face will never amount to the trauma that brought them into foster care. This is a reminder we have to provide each other daily.
I am not minimizing Sarah’s comments, but just saying I agree and the support from a good agency can make the difference.
Yes, fostering can be great and yes it can be terrible…u grew up with two foster sisters…they were both very troubled and having them around did nothing positive for the rest of us kids…my mother gave them love and a great environment to be in…one turned her life around ans the other…who knows…in fact we don’t hear from either of them…it was not a positive experience for the children who had to deal with them
You have no obligation to keep a child in your care. I have a sibling group right now and the youngest boy is being moved because we are not bonding and his behavior is beyond my abilities with four children. Your social worker should have stepped up for you. I sent a ten day termination email and he is being removed from my care. I’m so sorry it didn’t work out for you.
I’m so sorry you didn’t get the support you needed. You are human and you are not perfect, and you can’t fix everything and everyone. But at least you TRIED. Most people don’t or are scared, but you opened your hearts and tried. God bless you for that.
You ARE allowed to put in a 30 day notice and have them moved. Sometimes it just doesn’t work out. It doesn’t mean that the next placement won’t work out either. The next child may need you and bond with you as if you gave birth to him/her. You just never know.
If your whole family, including the pets, is suffering at the hands of this child then this placement cannot be in his/her best interest either. Don’t put it off. Request to have them moved. Helping these children is worthwhile but not to the point of losing your own marriage and family. And please don’t quit fostering. There really are too many kids out there who need you.
You have rights as a foster parent and your own health, sanity and family come first. Caregivers need support and self-care. You cannot pour from an empty cup! If your caseworker won’t listen to you then go to her supervisor. A GOOD caseworker understands that it takes more than love to care for these children properly. Good luck!
We can relate to this as well. We had a teenage child who ended up attacking me twice in 2 weeks. It was so that we had to call the police. The system essentially told us that all we could do is call the cops and take the kid for a psych eval. We asked for the child to be removed and it took them over 2 weeks to do so. In that time, the 2nd attack occurred while we were driving. Again, take the kid for a psych eval, which we did and at that point the kid never came back to our house. I should mention that we had another child in our home at the time, who was much younger. There can be so much trauma that it can be dangerous for the families as well. A good support system is a must!!
Both the case workers and the foster parents need to know that in some cases, love is not enough. Parenting is hard enough without an understanding of FASD and RAD and other issues which require specialized techniques.
Amen! You are not alone, we had the same experience.
This all to true! I know from experience. I was not a foster parent but I am the parent to that child that cried all the way to the workers car, the parent go the child who was taken from school to a foster home. My kids spent a little over 2 years in foster care and we’re lucky to only have been moved once and we’re able to be together. It has been over 8 years since my case was closed and almost 9 that I got custody of my kids back. Foster parents that are kind, underdtandong, and not judgemental about what happened for those kids to be in their home ARE needed……… I used to blame them for ruining my family buy I realized that I ryined my family and i had to put it all bacj together for my kids. They needed me and so I never gave up til I had them home! Thanks to a loving foster mom that never judged me and was supportive of them coming home!
Thanks for sharing your perspective. I’m so glad you’re kids had that supportive home while they weren’t with you, but I’m EVEN HAPPIER THEY ARE HOME with you now! 🙂
Wow. Your maturity is so showing here. Good for you. I’m so glad you recognized what happened and pulled it together.
Sending love to you, Mom (or Dad!) for being the great parent who got back on track and staying there! Hugs and best wishes for all of you! ??
Thank you for doing the work you needed to do to get your children back. Thank you for thanking those foster parents. That was one of my biggest blessings almost 16 years ago when one of “my” girls returned to her birth home and mom said thank you.
You are totally awesome because you owned it. You didn’t blame your children or the foster parents for their placement. It was your hard word that got your children home to you and a great foster mom who was engaged in the process. You were fortunate.
As a former cps and foster care worker I can’t say I always saw that kind of cooperation. The system is complex and I’m not sure it’s getting better.
Thank you for such nice comments to my commentabove…….I have come a very long way and I can honestly say I learned a whole lot about myself when my girls were removed from my care. At first I HATED the workers and didnt want to see myself at fault, however I quickly learned through drug and alcohol treatment that nobody could change any of it but me. So I did just that and it hurt to realize that even though I was there with my girls physically mentally I was not. I had done a lot of damage to my now 20 year old daughter by pushing her away. It took alot of courage to admit that to myself. We are now very close and she even told me that I was her best friend (after being her mom of course). I think that us parents that have been or still in that situation have a responsibility to own up to our wrong doings and do whatever we can to turn it around for not just the children but for ourselves. I honestly am very grateful that the state stepped in and helped me to open my eyes to the reality of what my addiction was actually doing to my girls! Without them I have no doubt in my mind that my life would have ended up alot worse. I cannot become a foster parent but I can share my good and bad experiences from the bio parents side to maybe help other bio parents to see that good does come out of their bad situation if only they worked on themselves and didnt give even though its really hard not to sometimes. I wanted to give up more than once but i just told myself if i did what was i teaching my girls? I needed to show them that they were absolutely worth that fight!
I also forgot to mention that I also had my now 9 yr old taken from the hospital at birth. She doesnt remember any of it since she was 10 months old when she came to live with me. That was one of the hardest days of my life to go home without my baby. But she is a smart healthy little girl now. I had another baby just 9 months after that but she was never put into the system and my case was actually closed one month after she was born.
Great article and important message. But I almost didn’t read it because of the title. The very first word (its) is spelled incorrectly; in this case it should be the contraction *IT’S*. My first thought was, “How can I take an article seriously when the TITLE is misspelled?” Fortunately I decided to give it the benefit of the doubt and I’m glad I did. I do hope it reaches a lot of people and spreads awareness. With any luck the article will serve as a wake up call and catalyst for society to start implementing a change. Instead of having an ineffective (and detrimental, really) war on drugs, we should be using those resources to protect and care for children.
Kelly, thanks for pointing out that typo! You are right. I’ll fix that. And I’m glad you could look past my mistake. 🙂
Thank you for this great article….you are totally on point regarding the “hidden children”! I appreciate your comprehensive list of ways people can help!
Thank you Rachel!
Very,very,very helpful and full of good information!
I was in 11 homes prior to being 5 years old. Every one of them very abusive. I was kicked in the stomach at 11 months old and left for 4 days. Gangrene had set in. I am now 49 years old. I have PTSD. I have had a life of pain and abdominal surgeries. My final home was full of sexual abuse. Not at the hands of my foster parents but at the hands of others. Foster care is never ok. I hate it and could never do it. My children were never spanked. They never knew a moment that they were not loved unconditionally. They still hear I love you multiple times during a phone call. My grand babies also hear I love you constantly.
I’m so sorry you had such abusive homes. Abuse is never okay. I’m glad you are breaking the cycle for you own family.
I am so sorry that this happened to you. It hurts my heart that people are so cruel. I myself was adopted. But only becuase I was a home birth and the midwife fell in love and took me without question. What happened to you in not ok, and not fair. But it takes caring, loving people, who don’t want to see harm done. Someone like you, who has been threw it. You could change a child’s life by showing them the love that they need and you longed for. I know that I personally have seen abuse or heard about it growin up, I heard about foster care and what happened. I always knew I would change lives. I understand your hatred of the system. It’s rightfully so. I wish you the best for the rest of your life. May you have happier days!
That’s what’s so frightening about the foster care system. Not enough gualified screening for these children and why they need good people to step up. Many do it for the money and not because they love children and that is where the system is flawed. Yet they are so anxious to place theses children they overlook many red flags when screening obviously. It’s a complex problem and one in which the children suffer greatly. My heart goes out to you and those who have suffered under these conditions. More care needs to be taken and given all around. May Jesus keep you in his care
Foster Homes are certainly not created equal. Some are doing it for the money (although I still can’t figure out how that is, since we don’t get much for a stipend). Going from being the Foster Kid (as I was), to being the Foster Parent (as I am now) is a huge jump. I think it’s good to take what you learned as a child and bring it with you into being the parent (foster or bio or adoptive). I had foster parents who were not physically abusive, but they did deadbolt (at night and when they weren’t home) the door to the kitchen, living room, their bedroom and their grandkid’s bedroom off from all of us foster kids (7 of us). We used to have to pound on the door to get the dog barking to wake them in the mornings. If we failed, we went to school hungry. There were times we wouldn’t get lunch and sometimes, if we were late we didn’t get dinner. We all kept junk food in our rooms. It leads to eating disorders and food hoarding. I heavily suggest that if you are a foster parent, find out if you know anyone who was a foster kid themselves or fosters as well. They can be amazing support systems!!
That is so sad. 🙁 I’m sorry your foster home wasn’t as supportive or caring as it should have been. I’m glad you’ve taken that and learned from it.
My wife and I fostered for 20 years and have retired from the lifestyle a year so far. We’ve got a thousand good memories from our experiences and likely more will come . Our kiddos as u call them were preschool and school age and preschool were my faves , especially the boys. What a blast we had sometimes, and the healing so dramatic. All worth the time and effort.
Thanks Johnny! It’s so encouraging to hear positive memories 🙂
I am interested in helping foster families/kids. Would live to lend a helping hand!
Great! search for your local DCS online and give them a call 🙂
My husband and I have been licensed in 2 different counties in CA now. It’s a hard process to go through, especially in LA, where it is needed most, it took us a year. Kern county was only about 3-4 months though, not so bad. It’s completely worth all the time and energy! We love our kiddos so much and will likely be adopting our current placement. Anyway they are becoming less and less invisible. There is a huge comminuity of foster parents supporting each other on instagram. Look for hashtags like #fostercare, #thisisfostercare, #fosterfamily, etc… if you want to see real foster families and see what it’s all about! All they need is love!
When we received our first foster child, he was 5, punching walls, hiding from social workers, hit and kicked the Dr. , only wanted to eat crackers and juice or coke, and just wanted to watch TV all day. Today he’s almost 9 and he’s our son. Playing with animals and us giving a lot of hugs and cuddles on the couch and gentleness and true biblical discipline which is loving and transforming, and a lot of prayers–all worked together to change his behavior and his desires. Our church family can’t believe how much he has changed. We have a good relationship with his birth mom and she comes every Sunday for church to see him. With God all things are possible! ?
Now we have 2 teen sisters who are actually his second cousins. They are a joy! We love them as our own!
Great article! Yes, please get involved in whatever way you can, but if you’ve had kids you qualify to be foster parents no matter your age. Don’t retire in a senior living resort in Florida! Become a foster parent!
People qualify to be foster parents even if they don’t have their own kids. It’s tough but rewarding — don’t get scared off! Even as a single, childless foster mom, my 3yo (first foster experience) has been amazing!!!! 🙂
I have the desire but the practicality of it all gets in the way. The reality is I already have four of my own children and while I would love to provide a loving temporary home for a foster child, I just don’t see how we can make it happen. How would I carve out the time for weeks of classes? Where would the money come from to put a fence around the swimming pool? How am I going to get a fifth or sixth child to school in the morning, probably far away from my home? Which of my own children do I displace from their room to create a room for foster children? How will I continue to work when adding a child who needs my time and focused attention? Who will watch my other children when I’m taking the children to doctor’s visits or supervised visitations? People say you need a supportive group around you but I don’t even have that for my own children so how do you drum it up for children who will be in your home for short amounts of time?
I’m processing out loud here. I think these are the same things that others struggle with. Most foster families I see either have grown children or very young children and it seems like the most difficult time to do it would be when your own children are in the throes of school-age. What are your thoughts?
It sounds like you have thought through the needs of YOUR family and know what you can and can’t handle. That is great. Fostering isn’t for everyone or for every season of life. Right now, you love on your kiddos; they are your first priority. But, now you’re also aware of how the need hides in plain sight. Maybe, you can be the support for a foster family if one enters your life, or, as you said, maybe when your kids are older its something you can discuss as a family.
I am going to get certified for respite. And hopefully in the future foster and adopted. My plan is to take 1 or 2 teenagers, becuase I feel that they get lost in the system. I’ve been thinking about this for awhile, but this article has made me want to act! Thank you for the insperation!
You’re welcome! I’m so glad you’re going to pursue it!
Why a number showing number of boys and girls in need of foster homes be published by zip code to show where the need exists. Children our future, all city, county and state assemblies should start their meetings with an announcement what kind of number exists within their jurisdiction, then these numbers will be published in local and state papers and will definitely trigger a good response.
We fostered 37 children and are finalizing our 4th adoption next month. We had a few rough spots, but all the hugs and kisses were the best reward we could have received. The foster system isn’t perfect, but neither is humanity.
Great article ! after 19 years of fostering …..we could easily write a book…. this book woukd be filled with many chapters …the first would be on the blessings , the life lessons , the happy moments of progress seen, the three finalized adoptions . There were many moments of just wondering if we could do this for just another day … Then , there were the times that we had to say goodbye to the children we wished would never leave . At the same time having to comfort our biological children that would greatly miss them. Sometimes for weeks after , we had to then convince our bio-children that we would never send them away like the foster children that had left . So many years of seeing children move on …Of course , not always to a better place …then to be praying that God will keep them safe . Wow …what a journey . Looking back on the years, there’s not much we would have done differently …. Thankful for being a part of the journey that God chose for our family . We were all blessed by the experiences …the good and the bad ……
I am a Foster mom of 7 kiddos! I love them as if I gave them life. I hope and pray their parents get things together and are able to reunite with these precious babies. If not, they will have a forever home here with us.
The message I have for others considering fostering….instead of thinking ” I couldn’t let them go”, think about what you can do for them today, while they are with you, make them feel safe, loved and cared about. Today is the only day were are guaranteed, tomorrow is never promised.
I am interested in finding out how to become a foster parent. I live in Dallas, Tx. How do I get started? Who can I contact?
Search for your local DCS online and give them a call! 🙂
I was a foster parent. Now those children have been adopted into our family. Attachment is a big issue. What saved us from loosing hope was finding RAD Consultancy online. Now our home is peaceful and our oldest adopted son is making real progress again. It has been one of the hardest things we have ever done but also one of the most rewarding. But make sure before you so foster that you and your spouse are a team. That your relationship comes first. So important. Respite care is needed so foster parents can have that much needed time to go out just the two of them. It is also needed for those children that need a place to go until a more permanent placement can be found:) These kids have gone through so much. They need a safe place where they can be a kid and go through natural development.
Thank you for this article, it is so informative. I work for a private agency that provides foster care services in PA. Some people looking for information on fostering have no idea where these children come from. Some have a misconception that they are all bad behaved kids that the parent no longer wants. Some seem to think they are sitting somewhere and when they inquiry they can instantly pick the age and sex of the child. If you have it in your heart to foster you can do so in more than one way. You can just provide emergency foster care when there is an immediate need for a home and the full time foster home has not been found immediately. You can provide respite care which is a short period of time, usually a weekend, and usually to help out a full time foster parent who is within the same foster care agency. And you can be a full time foster parent or all of the kinds mentioned. If you become a foster parent with a county children and youth services agency in PA you will get referrals of children within that county. If you become a foster parent with a private agency, such as the one I work for, you can get referrals for children not only in the county you reside in but also other counties within PA. Something to keep in mind if you are looking into fostering. Hope this was helpful.
It takes a long time for them to transfer you if you move towns. I moved 5 months ago and I am still waiting for it all to be finalised. I moved due to family commitments. I have been a carer now for 10 years and kinship carer for 5 years prior to that. I hope to continue for a few more years.
We have 5 older foster sons and one son of our own. It took us 5 months to get certified and then a few weeks later we got our first placement.
Overall it’s been a very positive experience, but there are hard days.
Providing competent care without abuse is what you’re there for. Sometimes a child just isn’t able to bond, has an attachment disorder, etc. and it’s okay. Love grows silently, and blooms unexpectedly in our hearts over time. Sometimes there are fragments where a child’s soul has been broken and they cannot show gratitude or normal behaviors.
My foster kids don’t have to love me. Sometimes just knowing they are eating a good dinner I made, wearing the new clothes, and learning in school has to comfort me. Just knowing they’re receiving CARE… medical, dental, mental health care salvages my mindset.
They don’t call me Mom. I’m just doing all I can to be their home.
This is a huge problem, but in my area our church is really stepping up. They have an entire 501c3 organization dedicated to foster care called 4kids. They provide training, licensing coordinate homes etc. Even the senior has fostered and adopted two boys. About 60% or more of the congregation are involved in providing homes to foster children. It is wonderful to see the multicultural blends in this huge congregation. My sister and brother in law have been trained and will be licensed soon. More churches should get involved, it is one way we can definitely serve the kingdom. I work the kids ministry, I see the difference it makes. Thanks for sharing.
Great read. I can’t foster but would be willing to help a family with a meal or doing laundry, just don’t know anyone who has foster children.
We adopted six of our seven children — all from foster care . There are many remarkable and dedicated people who are foster parents, and some who shouldn’t be parents at all. Two of our children were infants when they joined our family. Four were school age, and two of them had been in seven different homes not counting the periods when they were returned to their birth parents. All of these older children had a lot of issues that stemmed from a combination of their experiences with birth parents and some from foster care. As a mother, I discovered that children can be very good at hiding awful things from their past and even bad things that were happening in the present. We love our kids, but both foster and adoptive parents of kids who’ve been “in the system” need to know that love is not enough. Learning specific methods and ways to interact with kids might be helpful. Our family is all grown up now, and I am happy to say, they keep in touch and I hear “I love you, Mom” along with “I’m sorry for what I put you through.” Kind of amazing!
My in-laws were foster parents for over thirty years. After raising five of their own children they opened their home and hearts to others in need. They were emergency fosters, any time, any child, for as long as needed. They did training so they could handle the “problem kids” no one else would take. They provided a bed, food and emotional support no questions asked but always a friendly ear. They were there for the small victories, from learning table manners to attending school and graduating and for the rough times, overcoming drugs or suicide attempts. Sometimes they were there for the funerals because not everyone had a happy ending but they still deserved to be mourned. For my in-laws 50th wedding anniversary we put up a family memory wall with photos of over 400 foster kids. Many of the “kids” showed up, some had stayed only a few days, others a few months or years but all were included. The looks on their faces when they discovered they were included in the family section is something I will never forget. We all need to know someone sees us and cares.
My in-laws stopped fostering when they were in their seventies. But their door was always open to welcome back family. The kids are all grown up now, some with family of their own. They stop by and visit my father-in-law , now in a nursing home, proving what goes around, comes round. Good foster parents can provide an amazing service that benefits all of us.
“We all need to know someone sees us and cares.” That’s exactly it. 🙂
We also need to be getting out in front of this problem and making parenting/child development education a priority in all of our high schools. Yes, the system is overwhelmed and must work with the problems that exist. We can also be proactive and prepare our youth for the tremendous responsibility that comes with parenting. If education works on our core subjects why wouldn’t it help reduce family dysfunction in the future? See if your high school has a Family Consumer Science program.
Thanks for that!
My husband and I just retired from foster care after 15 years. 25 kids and 2 adoptions later and we are still in contact with all but 4 of the kids. Super hard work. Super rewarding work. But when those glorious moments of healing happen….. well you cannot replace that feeling ever. You do have to build your ” village”. We built ours through the school and church. We couldn’t have done it without them!! Thank you for this article. I’ll share it!
My parents were foster parents for over 10 years. They started when I was 8, and finished up when I left for college…..mainly because they adopted 5 children younger than me over the course of those 10 years. We had over 500 children living in our home during those years. EACH one was an amazing gift to our family. We loved them each so much! Even years later, several still visit my parents or send Christmas cards…….our’s was the only stable safe place some of them ever had. I am now grown and married…….4 children of my own. I sometimes think I may want to foster, but I’ll wait until my youngest is about 8. Maybe there will still be a need in 4 years. 🙂
I know foster parents and they are so consumed with all the meetings, appointments, paperwork that it takes over their lives with their own children. Literally foster parents can’t just provide and love on these kids the demands on them are overwhelming.
This is SO TRUE. I posted a reply earlier in the thread where I was bragging on the awesomeness of my 3yo first placement. But fostering is a WAY more challenging job than I expected, and almost never because of her!!! The laws are stupid, many of them. The social workers, though ours care deeply, can’t always do what they want or make their own decisions on cases. Doing this work in a small rural town is even harder because of conflicts of interest and privacy concerns and isolation! I have really struggled to find a community/support the way a lot of people here are talking about.
Having said all that I wouldn’t do anything differently, but there are dark days and I am glad my mom pointed me toward this article “because it might not have the answers but at least you will know you’re not alone.” I am just hoping I can hang in there long enough to keep my kiddo until the end of her case so she only has to have one placement — but then I am done with long-term work. I plan to try emergency and respite placements and see if that is any more manageable for a working single no-kids-of-her-own mom.
While we’re on that subject, I cannot TELL you how helpful it has been when another family can take my kid so I can get a break for a weekend!!!!!! Seriously, if it weren’t for that occasional mental health time I wouldn’t have lasted as long as I have. (So, if you are reading this and thinking that you can’t do enough to make the licensing process worthwhile, just know that your willingness to do some respite work could mean the difference between another parent being able to keep a kid the full term vs. having to send them elsewhere. It’s a BIG DEAL!!!!!!!!)
And of course all of this holds true for bio parents too. If you have friends with kids, coworkers you see struggling, anyone you know trying to adapt to changing circumstances or behavior problems or whatever, offer help! You may keep someone out of the system in the first place, or give a natural parent a much-needed break, or be that adult a kid needs to believe in them when their real mom or dad is tapped out. Everyone wins when we’re supporting each other on this crazy journey of parenthood!!!!!!!
Much love. <3
As a former foster kid, I would like to point out another facet of the problem: there is the assumption that all children who need placement are “damaged,” and would be a nightmare to deal with. As a youth who was abused by a mentally ill parent, I was frequently told that I had probably provoked my parent, and that I needed to learn to get along with others. When I was withdrawn and frightened, I was told that I was “not even trying to be social,” and when I was physically and emotionally exhausted, I was called lazy. As a teen, I was told that nobody wants teens because we’ll just get pregnant, and at 15, I was told that I was a parasite, and that I should drop out of school to get a job, and stop “leeching off the system.” Are some kids coming from a bad home challenging to deal with? Yes. We come with challenges. Are we bad people? No. My foster parents made it clear to me that I was a paycheck to them. They used my vouchers to but clothes for their own daughters, and kept a padlock on the fridge. With that said, I did not drop out of school, but did get a job and an apartment at 16. I also started college while still in high school. I now have three degrees, and in my spare time, I teach yoga to incarcerated juveniles at an adult detention facility. And you know what? I love my incarcerated kids. I wish that somebody else had gotten to them first. Even those of us who come in “damaged” deserve to be handled with care.
Thank you so much for loving on kids in your yoga classes! You DID deserve to be treated with care and respect as a child. I’m sorry that didn’t happen.
We were foster parents for 23 years and have adopted two children with disabilities. They are now 26 and 36 years old and we recently moved them into their own home with round the clock care. We are also raising a formal foster child’s daughter and are retired. Foster Parenting is not for the faint of heart because it is hard but very rewarding, if you have the support of C&Y. In spite of not having their support, we continued to give all we had to bring security, love and some normalcy into the lives of the children who came to us. We would never have known what children go through if we had not been FP. I will be sharing this article to make more people aware of the problems in our own communities.
Almost two years since we adopted our foster sib group of twin boys, then their newborn sister. The need is real. Once our older boys head to college, will probably reinstate our license and foster again.
Wow! ……I read every comment and thank God there are people so loving and giving of themselves …..You are all special angels …for sure thank you!!!
After reading this entire article, the love and the heartaches by the children and the foster parents, it sounds as though it’s simalar to the life I’ve had already.
When does life not throw us a curve?
When did anyone say each day was easy with no problems?
How big is the smile on our face when we remember the beautiful days with the ones we loved and cared for?
I can say the good days always outshined the bad days.
Shouldn’t we at least try to give that to the rest of Gods children in this world?
I will be looking more into being a respite in my community/county and hopefully fostering and more!
Sarah, I just wanted to thank you for writing such a powerful piece. It makes so much sense to the average person – putting the issue in context the way you did. I indirectly quoted you in a tv interview but unfortunately wasn’t given the opportunity to give you credit (even though I had your name written on my folder!!) I hope you don’t see that as a slight, but as another opportunity use your wisdom to recruit more foster parents to do the work we do! Your blog post is also shared on our agency’s Face Book page. Below is a link to the interview. Keep on doing the good work you do and thank you again!
http://www.cleveland19.com/story/35059041/need-for-foster-families-grows-as-ohios-heroin-epidemic-continues
Holly Spencer-Trueman
Foster Parent Recruiter and Trainer
OhioGuidestone
Thanks, Holly! That was a wonderful interview. I’ve been following this Heroin problem in Ohio. Thank you for sharing. I will re-post.