“Hello”, you answer the phone curtly, dreading this call.

You know DCS has been searching for your foster daughter’s relatives. She’s been your foster child for years now and your love is deep. Loosing her is going to hurt.

But, this is what I signed up for. You try to remind yourself.

It’s the truth, but your heart won’t listen.

“The background check and home study for her aunt came back. Everything checked out. We’ll meet to discuss transitioning her within the week.”

Cold

You’re heart’s elevator ride straight to your feet has left you cold. It’s only the mechanical routine of politeness that keeps you from screaming,

“Why now!?” “It’s been years! YEARS!”

But you’re mouth says “When’s the meeting?”

There aren’t words for the way this feels. Her case has reached termination and those willing to raise her have come out of the woodwork.

You’ve been up and down the spectrum of emotions as they’ve turned up one-by-one; you signed up to love this kiddo with the hope that she would have a healthy stable home back with her family, but that was years ago.

And now? Now that the trust has been built and the love established you also know the trauma, the deep, deep wounding that will come as she leaves your home. And, now you feel a part of that too.

“Thank you”, your own voice interrupts your thoughts, as you write down the meeting and hang up. Your foster daughter, the one you love, laughs in the other room. It seems wrong that the world didn’t stop the way it should have when you hung up the phone.

Because yours did. It all just fell to pieces.

How does it feel when you learn your foster child is going to live with relatives?

Anger – where was this aunt years ago!?  I’ve been sitting here bonding with this child, drawing her out of her shell, calming her rages, and where was this @#% aunt!? If this aunt is a safe care giver then my foster child should have been with her from the beginning. It isn’t right that my foster daughter will have to suffer the loss of one more family. It isn’t right to put her through all that again!

But you know, in the bottom of your heart you know and it’s not fair to the aunt.

Sorrow – my poor foster daughter! This will kill her! She’ll regress, she’ll act out then shut down and especially at school! She’s doing so well right now. All that will change, at least for a time. It’ll get better, later, I know, but it will hurt her. It will hurt her terribly and that hurt won’t every fully go away even after the behaviors have left. And will this aunt know her like I do?

Of course she can’t, not at first, because there’s a learning curve, there is always a learning curve, I’ve seen it in my own home with my foster children. And will my daughter put on a face? Will she make a front just to cope, to survive in a new environment one more time or will she be genuine and real the way she’s finally learned to be with me? Will this aunt love her for who she is?

Sadness and planning – I’ll miss her. How can I make this easier on her? It’s time to print all those digital images I’ve taken, time to write the stories of our time together and send her with the life book I never started but now seems like a life line – a necessity.

Realization – good will come from this. Yes, the trauma of leaving our home and the trust she’s built here will happen, but there is a trauma of not being with biological family too. What would have happened if I’d adopted her? There would have been questions unanswered, things about her past and her family history she would have never known and there is pain there too, so yes, some good will come from this. I just hope it outweighs the bad of leaving.

Where WAS this foster child’s family member the entire time?

And why is this person just now coming forward?

To this I say we don’t ultimately know but here are some of the many possible reasons

• Extended family didn’t know the child was in foster care

If this family member doesn’t live within walking distance he or she might not have visited the child’s family for quite some time. If transportation is limited, the child’s family might keep in touch with extended family via the internet or phone. This means, that extended family only knows what the child’s parents tell them.

It’s normal for us to want to keep up appearances. How many times have you answered “fine” when someone     asks “How are you?” How many of those times were you actually fine? The child’s parents might “cover” for the   child by telling stories of what the child is up to without mentioning that these things are happening in a foster home instead of their home. And since the relative doesn’t see the child on a regular basis, he/she isn’t the wiser.

In order to solve this problem, some states require the Department of Child Services to send notification of a child’s placement in foster care to all known relatives in an attempt to gain support for the child. This, however, doesn’t happen if DCS isn’t aware of a family member’s existence.

• Department of Child Services didn’t have knowledge of this relative 

There is only so much DCS can do when it comes to tracking down family. Many states require due diligence in this area but parents remain the most knowledgeable source of this information. Sometimes parents don’t inform the Department of Child Services of a relative’s existence until very late in the case.

Social workers know this so they continue to ask parents about extended family members throughout the case. Social workers also continue to search databases available to them throughout the case. A relative might show up in one of those systems who hadn’t been in there before.

• The child was required and/or requested to stay in the same county as the parents while the goal of the case was reunification 

Distance makes reunification difficult. How many times have you seen foster children placed hours away from their parents because there aren’t enough foster homes in the immediate area?

In my state, this happens way too often. How are parents supposed to work toward reunification if they can’t get enough parenting hours in each week due to their child being so far away? It happens but DCS tries to prevent it. That might be why this family member is just now being looked at. This person might not have been an option until the case moved to termination.

• Push came to shove 

Let’s face it, taking on a child is a HUGE commitment. If the child has already been placed in a foster home by the time a relative is contacted, the relative might think “They are safe right now and their parents are going to get them back soon…no reason to rock the boat.” But once the relative finds out the foster child isn’t going home with his/her parents that changes things. People step up to make sure the child is with family if he/she can’t go home.

 

• Depending on where you reside, relatives don’t always get the same level of support that foster parents get

Laughable, I know, since many of you struggle to be seen as valid parents in the eyes of the courts. But sometimes there is a level of financial assistance provided to foster families that isn’t initially given to relatives.

In these situations, there might be a small amount of money to purchase basic necessities for the kiddo (such as clothes and a bed) but there isn’t continued financial support until the relative completes training to become a licensed foster parent. The added training requirements to become licensed while transitioning a child into the home and while figuring out a new financial situation can be too much. Relatives might decide to wait to see where the case is headed before jumping through all those hoops.

When all is said and done

Take time to grieve the loss, to process, to be nurtured. Allow others to come along side you and help. Get a good therapist. Take a walk. Write it down. You’ll always love this child from a distance. Pray for them. Keep in touch if you can. And, when you’re ready, continue on. Love again. Parent again. Be a steady, safe place for a kiddo you can wrap around and love well.

You’ve got this.

---

You’ll Also Like Reading:

Foster Care and Dealing with Uncertainty

---

Free Attachment Resource

Fostering a secure relationship with your kiddos is oh, so important! Here are 4 elements of a secure attachment and activities to establish it with your children. Put your email address here and “click” so I can send it to you.

(Note: This post may contain affiliate links. For more information, read my Disclosure Policy here.)