Whether you are considering foster care, could never be a foster parent, or are already loving on foster kiddos in your home, this is for you. Because there is one uncomfortable thing that ties us all together – the invisible line of uncertainty.
It stretches from as far back as I remember – when I was that person who could definitely not be a foster parent – to some distant future I’ll never see. It wakes you up to a great big world you can’t control but in which you definitely have a part to play.
I’m considering fostering
Information. It’s what you’ve looked for. “But what does foster care look like? What does it feel like? Will I be able to handle it? Is it safe? Can I do it?”
And that’s what I’ve tried to give you at Parents of Foster Care, a peak into the day-to-day, ins-and-outs, and ups-and-downs of daily life with foster children. But, there won’t ever be enough information to figure out if you should or shouldn’t do this.
Uncertainty
I can’t tell you exactly what life in your home with the child you end up caring for will look like. I can’t tell you when they will arrive, where they will come from, or what their story will be. I can’t tell you if they will fit right in or not at all. I can’t tell you how you’ll handle it, what your response will be, or if you’ll get any sleep that night. There is no way to know. What I can tell you is this:
- Be prepared to make time. Time to sit and listen, time for meltdowns or tantrums (no matter the age child), and time to find out what this kiddo loves and go after it with him or her. You’ll need time to connect, and time to listen to fears and happy moments. Time for homework, for doctor’s appointments, and therapist appointments. You’ll need time to send them out the door to visit their family and time when they return so they can transition into your home again. Plus, time in the middle of the night if they don’t sleep well (most of them don’t). You’ll just plain need time.
- You can do it. At least once. At least to figure out if you can do it again. If it’s in your heart, then you’ve got to try. Read what Sarah has to say about this in “What if You Want to Foster but You’re Terrified?”. She’s raw and open about this very thing.
So get all the information you need. Write it down, think about it, consider it and then decide, because there is no amount of information, experience, etc. that is going to dissolve the uncertainty. There just isn’t a way to know beyond a shadow of a doubt one way or another. You just have to decide.
I could never be a foster parent
And if you can’t – you just plain can’t – that’s okay. I understand. Not everyone is made for this. I wasn’t either, until my “babies” changed my life. You can read about it here, “How our ‘babies’ came to us”. And even then uncertainty connected me to foster care. Because I just didn’t know how foster families did it, and I didn’t know how they could let go and re-attach over and over and over again, and I didn’t know how they could live with all the unknowns.
And now? Now I know that it never really goes away.
I’m Fostering Right Now
The backseat realization that you never really know. Well, anything.
You never really know the timeline – this little person you care and love for can be snatched away at any moment. Sometimes under good circumstances and sometimes under bad.
His family is doing well! They’re changing and proving they can care for him! Yeah!
But it means he goes home tomorrow.
You cry as you pack him into the social workers car. Or…
they found an extended biological family member who passed all the background checks and drug screens. That family member is going to care for him now. I’m so glad he gets to be with family, but sad ours will be different without him.
And so you rejoice while you hold back tears of grief – how can this be-these duel emotions?
Or the plain uncertainty of the facts. You never know what’s going on.
Ever.
Yes, you’ve communicated with the child’s family, with social workers, with visit coordinators. You’ve attended court, read the documents, made notes of your own. But you still just never know. You never know because the facts are always a jumbled mess.
People are in jail…then out.
Passed drug screens…then didn’t.
Visits went well then don’t.
Appointments are kept but barely.
Court is held, but only for five minutes because there are so many cases today they’ve run out of time before they’ve even begun. This case won’t be heard today; another date is set and another month passes with no answers.
What does it all mean?
How will it affect the case?
Nothing is ever straight forward.
Ever.
Life no longer fits into tidy little boxes stacked up straight.
The only constant seems to be that you love this kiddo. And while he or she is in your care, you treat them as your own. No matter the uncertainty surrounding you. You provide stability, structure, a routine, as much consistency as you can in this swirly mess of unknown, because it never really goes away.
So How do I do it?
Not very well. Some days it breeds fear, and some days I think it will be the death of me.
But I know these two things:
- I will continue to love fiercely because these children need me to. This kind of stepping up and stepping into their life can change generations and this is what I’m called to do.
- My Jesus is bigger. He’s bigger than it all. And he’s chosen the families who will intersect with our lives and the children who will be in our home and He has them here.
For a time.
For a reason.
I might not like the outcome, or the length of time they stay, or the reasons they came (believe me – Jesus doesn’t like that either!) but I know Him and I trust Him because He is good, and loving, and faithful.
And when I fail and can’t see past the next unknown – He’s still got it.
He’s got me.
He’s got my kiddos.
And I can face one more day of uncertainty because of that.
Free Attachment Resource
Fostering a secure relationship with your kiddos is oh, so important! Here are 4 elements of a secure attachment and activities to establish it with your children. Put your email address here and “click” so I can send it to you.
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