Newborn babies.
Snugly little lumps of perfection.
They’re so soft, so tiny, and every move they make is adorable. They smell like heaven and you could just watch them for hours.
And they need you to.
They need you to hold them and love them and comfort them. And you want to! They’re so light and portable. You want to just take them with you wherever you go, and so you do. You sling them and wear them and carry them.
Your mere presence calms them, helps them to grow, and stimulates their brain (nytimes). They get it, you want them. You love them. You feed them and you change them. You enjoy being with them and they trust you.
Now Fast Forward
You have a different child, much older; he comes to you at a later stage. He didn’t get all those things. He wasn’t carried, comforted, invested in. Food was inconsistent, diapers were often wet. He didn’t know if he was wanted, and he definitely didn’t trust.
This child, this much older child is perfectly physically capable of completing tasks on his own. He should be able to follow a simple one, two, or even three step direction from you on his own.
BUT HE WON’T
“Go wash your hands.” You tell him. You watch as he heads to the bathroom. You’ve seen him wash his hands a million times. You know he’s capable, but you know he won’t do it. You know that he’s in there playing with the soap, putting water on the floor, shoving towels in the toilet, anything but actually washing hands. So, you check. Oh, you’ve tried not checking because you’ve figured out his game. You’re good. You know he’s just waiting you out. He’s just waiting for you to come. You know that checking on him is reinforcing this waiting game, but what other option do you have? “Not checking” never works either, because hands must be washed and toilets must not contain towels.
So, you go and hope to find him at least with soap in hands so you can praise his progress on this simple task. You do, and you return to finish dinner.
That whole waiting you out thing? That whole not accomplishing tasks your child is 100% capable of accomplishing on his own thing? That is what I learned about as I sat in our second attachment therapy session. As we watched the video of our very first session there was a theme that came out over and over, a theme addressing this very issue. So, I asked about it. And guess what I learned?
I learned that it was okay.
The whole waiting me out thing was okay
Wait! What? Isn’t it my job to teach them to be independent? He knows HOW to do it, so he should just do it!
I know. I was right there with you. I was to such a point of frustration with this entire “game” because I thought it was my job to help my child-that-came-to-me-later in life learn to be an independent human being.
And it is.
But not yet.
You see, what I have here, and what you have there, is a child who was either neglected or abused. In either case, that child learned that he couldn’t count on the grownups in his life to take care of him. He learned he couldn’t trust them. And so, all those things that babies need such as being close to you, being held, being loved and cared for all the time.
This child still needs.
He never got them and he needs them.
He needs to know that you’re going to be there no matter what.
He needs your presence. He needs your comfort. He needs you to do everything with him (not for him because we are sadly past that stage). He needs to know he can trust you and that he can get to you at all times.
He needs you to be there for him and with him just like you would a baby.
The problem is, he’s not a baby anymore.
This means you’ve got the emotional needs of an infant layered underneath the physical and mental needs of a much older child.
Dear mom of a foster child or adoptive child you have TWO jobs to do simultaneously.
It really is like you’re parenting two children in one.
And it’s overwhelming.
But how is trust developed? By consistently being there. Over and over again. Meeting needs. Giving of yourself to them.
God does this. Look at the Old Testament. He tells his people over and over again to remember the ways He’s been there for them, to tell their children, and even to set up visible reminders of all the ways He’s showed up and provided for them (Exodus 12:25-27, Joshua 4:20-22). And then He came in flesh and blood and lived with us (1 John 4:2, John 1:1-2, 14). He prayed for us, healed our illnesses, gave food to the hungry, and showed us what God’s grace really was. He gave us every reason to trust Him. He even gave His life (John 10:17-18).
No, mama, we are not Jesus, but showing our little ones that they can trust us does require our presence – our life. And it gets better. It will improve. You might need help (read this if you think you do). You will DEFINITELY need ways to recharge because this will drain you.
It’s been a week since we’ve started investing in our kids this constantly and I’ve already spent one evening crying. But oh the difference it is making! There’s more listening to us when we talk. There’s more smiling. There’s more genuine care and concern for others on the part of our children. They know. Our kids know when we genuinely see them, when we recognize the emotional infants that they are and when we’re committed to giving them what they need – the love, care, and physical comfort of their mama.
There is so much more to say about this so let me shoot you an email. Put your address right here below and I’ll get that out to you soon. Please don’t give up. Your presence, makes a difference.
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Next in this series: Why Your Foster Child Needs You and Hates You
3 Reasons we are Beginning Attachment Therapy and Why You Might Want to Also
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