My child’s a mess right now. Frantically, swinging from outbursts of anger to curled-up-shoulder-shaking-tears in a frenzied state of dysregulation.
I do my best to comfort her, confident in my capabilities if she’ll allow me. She was given two choices of activities for the day, but insisted on her own idea instead. I reminded her that I could take care of her; that if she didn’t pick one of the options I’d given then I would choose for her.
She refused.
I chose the activity.
And she lost it.
The yelling, the tight fists, the hiding and curling up into a ball. She withdraws only to attack again. She needs me to help her calm down, to hug her, to love her, and show her that I’m capable of weathering her insecurities.
But she won’t let me.
She avoids my comfort like a disease, doesn’t trust me, doesn’t believe the options I provided were good. Fear so visceral it spills out. And so I massage a hand till she yanks it away, I rub her foot, her back, whatever amount of physical comfort I can before she pulls back or lashes out. I don’t punish or give consequences. Why? Because, she needs to be drawn into relationship, to understand that I care for her and am capable of offering her good choices. She is scared to death to trust – to trust that I’ll provide, that I care, that my intentions are good. She needs to let go of her self-survival tactics and lean into me. It’s what I wrote about in “Why your Foster Child Needs You and Hates You” But today I think about the fact that this is exactly what we do to God, and a hand massage with comforting words, is precisely how He responds to us. We rail against Him, we fight, we don’t trust in His goodness or His capability to care for us. We don’t trust that He even wants to do those things. We only trust ourselves, our plans because we hold fast to the notion that we alone know what will make us happy. If we trust Him with our life then how can our happiness be guaranteed?
And so, He invites us in.
He invited us in. He came; He showed us His goodness, He lived among us. Yes, He is holy and just and must judge rightly, but we were condemned already. We did that (See Genesis 3). Jesus came to bring us back. To draw us back into relationship.
For God did not send the Son into the world to judge the world, but that the world might be saved through Him. John 3:17
Look at Adam and Eve. God provided them with EVERYTHING GOOD and they rejected it for what they thought would bring them enlightenment. They didn’t trust His provision. They didn’t trust His goodness. They didn’t trust Him. And in seeking self-sufficiency they cut themselves off from the source of life. In that moment they died. They were condemned already. Yet, God made a way. He promised a savior. He covered their shame and invited them to trust that one day He would set it all right.
And He did. He came to earth and walked with us just as Adam and Eve had walked with God in the garden. Here was God’s fullness once again in man’s presences. He entered into relationship with us and again extended the source of life – Himself. He gave us His perfect righteousness and asks only that we trust Him.
Look for it here. The people saw Jesus perform miracles and they wanted the results of those miracles. Jesus pointed them back to something much greater. The life He wanted to give them. We had cut ourselves off from the source of life and Jesus came to give it back in the form of himself. All He requires is that we trust Him (believe).
28 They replied, “We want to perform God’s works, too. What should we do?”
29 Jesus told them, “This is the only work God wants from you: Believe in the one he has sent.”
30 They answered, “Show us a miraculous sign if you want us to believe in you. What can you do? 31 After all, our ancestors ate manna while they journeyed through the wilderness! The Scriptures say, ‘Moses gave them bread from heaven to eat.’ ”
32 Jesus said, “I tell you the truth, Moses didn’t give you bread from heaven. My Father did. And now he offers you the true bread from heaven. 33 The true bread of God is the one who comes down from heaven and gives life to the world.”
34 “Sir,” they said, “give us that bread every day.”
35 Jesus replied, “I am the bread of life. Whoever comes to me will never be hungry again. Whoever believes in me will never be thirsty. John 6:28-35 (emphasis added)
So, when I hold my screaming, fighting foster daughter and sooth her instead of punishing her, I’m inviting her into life. A life of trust. A life that says “I know you’re afraid right now. I know fighting against my control in your life is what you think is good for you, but it’s not. I’m going to give you my presence so you can see that I care. I’m going to enter into your world and be here to show you that I really do love you and you really can trust me.” When I do that, I’m acting like our savior did. I’m hoping that she learns to trust me, so that she can one day learn to trust our Savior. I’m not giving in, I’m not allowing her to go with option number three – her own option – the option in which she controls the direction of her life – and I’m simultaneously inviting her into a life of trust and freedom. To quote John and then Elyse Fitzpatrick:
There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love. We love because he first loved us. 1 John 4:18-19
“The fear we experience when we fail does not breed the love we need in order to obey. True obedience must be fueled by love, and love occurs only in hearts that have been warmed by the knowledge of God’s love for lawbreakers like us.” (Good News for Weary Women pg 61)
I hope my free printable on the 4 Elements of Healthy Attachment will help you invite your children into relationship. Put your email here and click. I’ll send it to you.
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[…] Sometimes We Kick Trust in the Teeth and He Invites us Back In […]